Monday, March 28, 2005

Science Jumps the Shark

I just caught this article and had to spread the word to my readers. It seems that the size of a man's index finger in relation to the size of his ring finger helps determine. The smaller the index finger, the more aggressive the man is.

It is nice to know the doctors and medical researchers have cured all of the diseases that threaten us, as that is the only reasonable explanation for this experiment to have ever happened. Does anyone else find this part of the article a tad surreal:

Hurd said he is continuing his research on physical aggression, however, by comparing hockey players' finger lengths to the number of penalty minutes they rack up in a given season.

What the fuck? This is the best use of research money? AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer's? No, we must measure Donald Brashear's index finger. Must!

One should know that this is a follow-up to the study by Dr. Johnson in the late 70s, which determined that a man's penis size can be determined by measuring from the tip of the thumb to the index finger. That was later challenged by the findings of another study, done by Dr. Rosenpenis. That study said that penis size can only be determined by a measurement from the wrist to the tip of the middle finger. The debate has raged on since then.

All I can say that it is a tough time for men, as one cannot fathom the horror of living a life where the size of one's hands inform every woman around that we have a small weiner and are a potential psychopath. Damn you, genetics! Damn you! C'mon, researchers, ladies, G-d, can't you give a brother a break! Don't force us to live our lives with our hands in our pockets. That's no way to live a life.

Finally, I want to present the author of this article with the first annual 'Most Inappropriate Opening Sentence'. It's always nice to see the word 'finger' used as a verb, as that does not happen enough outside of the locker room. Congragulations to this writer, as it takes real talent to leave the reader speechless and uncomfortable in so few words.

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